The title of this post is intended to be a little tongue in cheek; clearly you will almost certainly not want to get your website kicked out of Google – although it is surprising how many website owners do seem to achieve this goal anyway. So in order to save this minority of people some time, I have decided to write a guide on how best to go about getting your site booted out of the world’s most used search engine. This is the fast track guide and spares no time for ethical tactics that will not get you banned or wiped from their index.
The rules
We all need rules to control the world around us and most rules are there to help create order out of the chaos. Some rules are enforced and others are just a good idea. The rules on theft are pretty solid, and breaking them will often mean a trip to jail; however the rules in a board game can be changed or ignored with very little consequence. Google’s rules are much the same, some are flexible and others are not.
Google lays down a set of guidelines which are meant to protect their investment in delivering relevant search results to the end user. Understanding this is key to getting your website kicked out of Google. You need to know what is important to Google to identify the rules that will get you banned.
Relevance is vital to Google; they want the searcher to find what they want in the fewest possible steps. Authority is also key, Google sort search results by relevance and authority. Keep this in mind, because if you would like to get a Google slap, then unreasonably manipulating these two elements is your best and quickest route to destroying your internet presence.
The methods for getting banned
First off let’s deal with the on-page elements, this is what Google will look at to determine how relevant you are, so ruin this straight away to get off to a quick start.
Keyword stuffing
Stuff the keyword for the page into every possible place you can think of. Meta tags, headers content, Alt tags, footer etc are a good start, but what about the header and blank space. Simply write the keyword over and over again throughout the page in capital letters and bold them as well. If you’re really clever, you can blend these keywords into the background. So for instance, if your site is white, just make the text the same colour – this technique, white text, worked in 1996 so why not in 2011?
Google really hate this spammy keyword stuffing tactic and have many years to write code into the algorithm in order to identify and overcome it.
Flaunt the rules
Whilst we are at it, don’t just disregard the rules, no. You need to obviously break them openly. We aren’t after bad SEO here, so missing on-page elements won’t win you a penalty they are just a missing opportunity. Where Google say write fresh original content, don’t, simply find a competitor and rip their content off verbatim.
Duplicate content
This stuff is a goldmine of potential, Google really don’t like duplicate content, so copy as much as you can from as many credible sources as you can and duplicate it throughout your site. This has the added bonus of breaking copyright laws and once you have sunk your website you can carry on destroying your life in court when you get sued by competitors.
If you have two similar products, give them same generic description for them all, this will trick Google into thinking that your website has fewer products than it does and will hopefully result in some of those pages not being indexed.
In fact copying the same intro from the homepage to the rest of the pages on the site will help to convince Google that most of your site is full of worthless and irrelevant content. Combining this with keyword stuffing is highly effective; this will tell Google that you do not care to write to unique content and that you are trying to game their system, meaning that they will be delivering less relevant search results if they show your website.
Duplicate your website
Not just once, why stop there? No. To truly miff Google you should duplicate your site many times over, take no time to change the content or images, carbon copy your site onto a host of other domains. This will let Google know that you are trying to game the system that you want to occupy more than one of the top ten cyber real estate locations. This is important because Google really hate people gaming the system as it makes them look bad and impacts on their customer experience.
It is important to ensure that if someone does a whois lookup on any of these sites that the same registered owner, address and contact number appears. Keep the contact page the same on each site to reinforce this message that you own all of these sites.
Interlink all of the sites, this is useful as it will likely alert Google to the sites and help Google find them all. Although duplicating your site will not get you banned from Google quickly, it lets them know that you do not care about their stupid rules and that you feel as though you are above them.
Link building
This is where we derive authority from, again to get banned from Google you will need to flaunt these methods openly and clearly in order to tell Google “WE ARE GAMING THE SYSTEM, Your System”.
First of all, set up a number of pages for reciprocal linking; ensure that you link back to everyone that links to you. Sign up to link farms and get as many links as possible in a short a time as possible; the aim here is to make your link profile look unusual and ultimately suspicious. Getting hundreds of links where before you were getting only a handful will help your website to stand out as engaging in suspect activity.
Then start buying links. Nothing seems to wind up Google more than spammy paid for links, this will leave a bitter taste in the mouths of those Googlebot spiders crawling the net. When it comes to buying links, the spammier the better! If you sell digital cameras, get links from food articles on a site with no PageRank and very little content (none of which should be relevant to your site).
Where possible try and get as many links as you can from a single IP address or domain. If you can get 3,000 links from one IP address then you’re cooking with gas.
Black hat tactics
Use as many bad practices as you can find to promote your site, bait and switch for link building, and hidden content on page. Anything that you can do to obviously game the system should be done. Google aren’t stupid and will find these techniques offensive as they affect their bottom line. The beauty of these tactics if if they are done blatantly, it assumes that Google is stupid; making this assumption will turbo charge your efforts to get booted out of the index.
Paid for traffic
Another great way to try and falsify your Google Analytics stats and also to appear as more relevant, is to pay for traffic. There are a number of Indian companies who will direct 10,000’s of visitors a month to your site from a handful of foreign IP addresses which inflates your traffic figures and also lets Google know that you are trying to game them.
The final bullet in the foot
In order to seal the fate of your website and to ensure that you have covered all bases (once all of the above has been implemented) you will need to inform Google of what you are doing. Now you could leave this to a competitor as is tradition in whistle blowing, but this really does rely on the goodwill of others. In my opinion if you want something done right you often have to do it yourself. In the spirit of this philosophy I would suggest emailing Google anonymously and inform them of all of your unacceptable activity.
Be sure to make this look like a proper tip off; pretend to be a disgruntled ex-employee or a sneaky but legitimate competitor. Otherwise Google may see you as acting honestly and openly, the aim here is to let them know you have been secretly screwing them and their SERPs indirectly. A good way to do this would be to get a newspaper to run a story about how you have been flaunting Google’s rules to your fiscal advantage for some time.
This tactic comes with the added bonus of embarrassing Google; gathering momentum within online communities as the story spreads will help to raise the embarrassment levels to get a prompt response. The response we want here is a swift example-making reactionary retaliation from the big G; this will guarantee a major penalty will ensue faster than you can say “JC Penney”.
Summary
Following the above steps will help to secure your website’s position within the abyss of un-indexed websites. Follow each step fully and carefully and you will soon be the proud owner of a website no-one can find.
Of course if you are currently employing any of these tactics and you don’t want to get banned from Google, well, hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised and get a penalty anyway, without even trying. The great thing about a penalty from Google is that they won’t run out of them, they could literally issue them all day long; unlike a court hearing or a fine there is no chance of appeal.
This means that decisions are final and indisputable.
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